Halloween, hamburgers and that elusive 15 minutes of fame

As I strolled past the candy aisle at the local supermarket this weekend I caught a quick glimpse of packages decked out in all manners of orange and black. That could only mean Halloween was just around the corner, right? Even though I am considered well beyond the age that gets pumped over pumpkins and hobgoblins, Halloween does hold a special place in my heart, for it once brought me one of those "mini" 15 minute moments of fame we all so desperately seek and seldom find. The absurd, or perhaps pathetic reality is it wasn't that long ago (I am nearing retirement age) nor was it even on home ground. Casting aside those minor details, it was indeed one of my most satisfying accomplishments under pressure ever and certainly a worthy example of the unlimited creative power we all possess. As far-fetched as this might sound, I think there is even a business lesson or two here if you stretch your imagination.

This episode began with me in the middle of the planning season and already struggling for weeks to find a coherent and rational plan to support some mildly irrational budget targets. I was setting smack in the middle of the world's most dynamic economy and my boss really would not accept any reasons for less than double-digit growth, no matter how sound or correct any arguments to the contrary might be. At wits end from the whole process, I did what any rational person would do- headed off for a drink or two to clear my fuzzy head. On top of this enormous budget pressure was a sudden realization that I would soon miss yet another holiday celebration in my home country. Granted it was a pretty minor one, Halloween, and it would be unlikely I would even mildly enjoy being at "home" handing out treats to obnoxious little kids; nonetheless, it was a holiday and no matter how lucrative those "hardship" bonuses may seem on the surface, money is of little solace when holidays are repeatedly missed, even those insignificant ones.

You can imagine my bubbling joy when later that night I found my favorite Shanghai watering hole, the "place to be and be seen", was holding a massive Halloween party with a fairly impressive list of prizes. It seemed this rowdy holiday had been heartily embraced by the Middle Kingdom after all. Of course, this revelation was really not so surprising as most western holidays, particularly those "commercially attractive" rituals like Christmas, Easter and the whole host of "Hallmark holidays" had quickly taken root alongside the traditional, and far more profound, ones in economic-driven modern China. Already knowing that Halloween in China would be more of a "big kids" kind of thing to entertain us hard working "respectable" professionals, my naughty inner child made no bones about it that "we" were going to run rampant alongside the other aging ghosts and hobgoblins that year. Besides, this sort of opportunity seemed the perfect venue to fulfill my obligations as a cultural ambassador to the world, right? As my friends and I sat slowly drowning our week's misery in a few magnums of stale, expensive "cheap" French wine, the seeds were first sown of what would become one of my finest, if not defining, moments in a long love affair with Halloween.

The grand prize for this upcoming extravaganza would go to whoever came up with the best and most original costume! To hell with the budget, this was my new target! I knew this was going to be an equally challenging task as I looked around the room at all the other creative and motivated competitors I would be facing, not to mention the often surly staff who would be voting on the winner. After all, this was happening in "the" place to be seen in Shanghai, "the" place to be in the late 1990's if you were on the cutting edge of anything. There was definitely a lot attitude and brainpower here, albeit some bordering on temporary, if not permanent, impairment from too many tequila shots. I knew a Herculean effort would be needed to have any shot at winning.

After having procrastinated for most of a month mulling over hundreds of half-baked ideas while adding the final touches to my already late budget, I only set out to find my "perfect" costume on Halloween morning. Now this might seem a bit tight by most planning standards but I was confident that I had the talent to pull it together as I headed off to browse through the many novelty and theatrical shops tucked around Shanghai's artsy districts. Although it was the time of day when my biorhythms were not even awake, my mind was brimming with fanciful ideas and clever designs. I definitely was in a groove and knew it would be a breeze to quickly flesh out a "winner" once I found the "right" pieces. First stop- the many novelty shops surrounding Yi Yuan Gardens, all filled with colorful (but deadly suffocating) rubber and vinyl masks in every caricature, creature and demon imaginable (all “export quality” of course). But alas, there were just too many Dick Nixon, Crusty the Clown, and Bill Clinton faces staring back at me; besides, everyone had these at his or her disposal! After a brief lull and a coffee or two later, my creative juices flowed richer and richer thanks to Mr. Caffeine! Why not some "native" costume-perhaps an ancient Chinese warrior, or better still, a frightening and colorful Beijing opera character!


Aha! It was still morning, I had already latched onto the perfect idea and I still had the rest of the day to pull it together. Hailing the first taxi in sight, it was off to FuXing Lu with its motley collection of theater shops tucked in amongst the bookstores and galleries. All were filled with bright colored face paints, rich and regal robes with a dazzling accoutrement of ancient weapons, bright colored paper lanterns, some very wicked looking carved wooden masks, and staffed by the most lifeless people I had every encountered in a theatrical environment. But, that aside, here it was! All I could possibly need was there for the choosing. This was going to be the costume of all costumes...the crème de le crème!

After much contemplation and the usual trying on of this thing and that thing, I finally assembled my intended wardrobe. Next, in my not too substantial Chinese, I asked one of the more curious staff what amount of RMB this treasure would set me back. After a quick whirl on the abacus, to my astonishment the clerk replied RMB 5,800! Wow, this was more than US$ 600!! After several futile efforts to bargain I realized it would take my whole month's entertainment budget just to fund this one night affair. No way! That was a sacrifice that I just wasn't ready to make. After one more half-hearted attempt to bargain, knowing that even a highly unlikely 20 percent discount would still make this too extravagant, I walked out the door in a bit of a funk. Oh yes, I briefly toyed with the idea of whether this had any shot at all as a business expense, but quickly decided that required a degree of creative accounting way beyond even my skills.

Dejected and now fast running out of time, my empty stomach now growling like a pack of wolves, I decided that perhaps some food would re-ignite my creative juices. I went to the next corner and looked up and down the street for a place to grab a quick bite to eat. Suddenly, there it was!! Like a vision from the heavens the rightful owner of my perfect costume was staring back at me, as he sat smiling with his legs crossed, sharing his bright yellow bench with the pigeons! I quickly raced back in the shop, grabbing a handful of colorful face paints and a thick and bushy wig of auburn hair. Next, it was off to the many small clothes markets that crowded HuTing Lu alleyway to find the rest. Yes, they had the baggy yellow trousers, the red and white striped shirt, and even a matching yellow vest. As an added bonus I even found a pair of monstrously oversized shoes that made it all complete.

With less than an hour now to spare I needed to quickly transform these assembled pieces into the whole, to turn this wonderful vision into reality. Hurrying home I quickly went to work...painstakingly recreating that friendly and smiling face in detail! What emerged was even beyond my expectations! Everywhere I went people stared in awe of my talents to so realistically recreate this global icon! Needless to say, I was unanimously awarded the best costume prize at the largest party in town and merrily guzzled copious amounts of expensive champagne, one of the many rewards for the fruits of my labor. Oh, did I mention this party was sponsored by Verve Clique Champagne? Later, (or was it earlier, I always get confused when it is nearing dawn and my blood alcohol level is in double digits) as I weaved my way home with a lovely lady clinging to my arm, charmed and intoxicated by my creativity, I knew that this was surely the pinnacle of my life so far. I had captivated the masses-I was truly the king of Halloween in Shanghai! God, what a rush it was!

Stumbling out of bed later that evening under the weight of a massive champagne hangover, you know the kind where it hurts to merely blink your eyes, I surveyed my surroundings, albeit in a mildly distorted way as my eyes were clearly not prepared to take on the arduous task of focusing. To my utter horror, I discovered my brightly painted face had deserted me and taken up residence in every nook and cranny of my bed, my sheets now decorated in a kaleidoscope of color! I raced to the bathroom and gazed into the mirror through my champagne fogged eyes. Oh my GOD! My face was a vision from Hell! Streaks and gobs of black, red and white grease paint had merged in a pattern so indistinguishable and grotesque it could have easily been mistake for the early symptoms of some terrible and exotic tropical disease. Only after hours of scrapping, washing and scrubbing was I able to see my skin-at least the layer that remained! I was not yet prepared for the acne bloom soon to follow from pores clogged shut with grease paint; a visible reminder of my teenage years for weeks to come!

So, was it worth it? You bet!! For weeks and months thereafter, I was immediately recognized by my peers at "the" place to be and be seen and was asked time and time again (well, at least more than once) to tell the story of how I managed to land my name in the inaugural slot of the Halloween Ball honor roll. And, that clever little treat bag filled with Kit Kats and condoms from which I dispensed goodies throughout that immortal night remained a huge hit also in the weeks and months thereafter, though it was clearly out of the character of that wholesome personality I had worked so hard to replicate.


Who would have thought that this monumental icon to American fast food, Ronald McDonald, would have been the final inspiration behind my moment of fame in tradition rich China, particularly in Shanghai were KFC outsells McDonald’s be a factor of 10:1? Maybe a better question to ask is what is so special about this whole damn affair to begin with? Well, those are fair questions and I think I have the answer, at least to the latter. In the words of Mark Twain, "To arrive at a just estimate of a renowned man's character one must judge it by the standards of his time, not ours". As for the former, I guess you can chalk it up to another victory for globalization.

Barbarians at the Gate-Tips for traveling in China

With the Olympics just around the corner and the fall travel season in full swing, many travelers are adding China to their list of places to go, and for good reason. China is a fascinating and marvelous place to visit and is filled with not only breathtaking natural beauty and ancient charm but also some pretty amazing “first world” attractions like the futuristic landscape of Shanghai. Having been fortunate to have lived, worked and traveled throughout China for almost a decade I think I gained a bit of savvy on the ends and outs of travel from a westerner’s perspective as well as that of the Chinese. To anyone planning a journey to the middle kingdom, and I strongly encourage you to go if you have any doubts, here are some practical suggestions that will not only make your journey more enjoyable, but also might make it easier on your hosts.

First and foremost, make sure you bring your patience and a good sense of humor. Shouting and rudeness, while it might work in New York, has little place in China, and generally will only result in further delays or unhappiness.

From the moment you land at the airport until you board your return flight, you will feel you are constantly jostling for space. Queues are meant to be broken and it is every man to himself, particularly if you are unfortunate to be caught hailing a taxi in the rain. Look around you and you will quickly realize that this constant shoving and pushing applies equally to all. The Chinese have a long history of struggle.

If you will be traveling around by air, bring several good books. The abysmally poor on-time departure rate of most US air carriers is a goal worth chasing yet in China. Travel by train is far more efficient but is not recommended for those who exhibit any tendencies toward claustrophobia or are uncomfortable in crowded areas.

There are NO “no smoking” areas, so get over it quickly. If you are seriously affected by cigarette smoke, then maybe any trip to China should be reconsidered. There are more than 600 million smokers who firmly believe it is their inalienable right to light up at will. Change takes time, even generations, to happen.

Do not arbitrarily assume everyone can speak English. With the rapid expansion of tourism and a limited supply of qualified staff, even a 5 star hotel’s service may not be up to your expectations. While English language skills are expanding in leaps and bounds in most major cities, it is still a foreign language. If you are not with a guide or cannot speak Chinese make sure you have a good phrasebook in hand. Better still; make a few friends to help you in your journeys.

Take time to learn a few simple phrases and greetings. As complicated as Chinese language is, the simple greeting of Ni Hao (knee how) will bring warm smiles from your hosts, and whether you get the pronunciation right or not is less important than your effort.

Yes, taxi drivers will cheat you constantly. But is this really that much different than anywhere else? Again, many short journeys that turned long could have been avoided with a note from your hotel concierge, as the taxi driver who really understands English is as rare as the mythical unicorn, and those that do, cavit emptor.

Do not constantly compare the service you receive in China to your country in a negative way. Of course China has made huge strides in development, but it has been less than 10 years since the private sector really got involved in hospitality and retail, sectors previously completely controlled by the state. Can you imagine if the Department of Motor Vehicles was running Nordstrom’s?

As others have suggested, always carry adequate sanitary supplies. Toilet tissue is a rather recent amenity outside of the hotel, and even if you are lucky enough to find it you well never find it in enough quantity or quality to suit most western tastes. It is also commonly pilfered even if it was there to begin with.

Do NOT feed the beggars! As pitiful and grotesque as some may appear, more of this than you realize is self-inflicted to tug at your heartstrings. Those poor little children chasing after you are likely indentured and will see little, if nothing of your cash. Think Oliver Twist. Your constant source of income makes it even harder to police this unsavory crew.

By all means, eat the local cuisine. Sure the Pizza at California Kitchen is as tasty as it is back home, but the garlic crusted pork ribs so famous in Shanghai are to die for. Before you spend too much time trying to find the species and origin of that delicious looking food on your plate, try it! You will be surprised what you actually may like.

Be prepared to negotiate and haggle for most goods and services, but also use common sense. Of course you will pay more than the locals, your annual income is probably many times greater. Also, don’t always believe the stories of other travelers. It is not really possible to get everything at a 70% discount.

Stop buying counterfeit goods on the street, particularly DVD’s and that ridiculous Rolex watch! Your friends and neighbors back home in Washington are constantly fighting this matter, yet you’re the main reason it exists. Besides, the DVD will most likely not work back home unless you bothered to buy a local made player and the Rolex is guaranteed not to keep good time. Look around you in the major cities-the locals are buying the REAL ones.

Get off the beaten path. There are hundreds of thousands of enchanting and memorable venues besides those that the local version of Gray Line recommended. Have your hotel arrange a driver and itinerary and take your camera!

Last but not least, have the journey of a lifetime, for all the ingredients are there.